Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
