Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm passing your future prison.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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