Just fell off a train. Bad.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
