like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
