i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
