a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
