If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
