Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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