She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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