The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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