I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
