That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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