A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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