I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
and she was petting her beer can
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am one with the molecules
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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