Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
