I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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