remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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