I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
