Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
