I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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