Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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