I wish I could teleport
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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