The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
