He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
