sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
...so i touched it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
