he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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