I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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