Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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