Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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