I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
