We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.