I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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