i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
