the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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