mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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