i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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