The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
