Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize