so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
