I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
