he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
