Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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