Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
