Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
