got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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