Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
