I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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