So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
