I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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