I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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