remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
