plz talk dirty to me
if i can run in heels then i can drive
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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