fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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